Warning: The article below is over five years old. It may be badly written, poorly considered, immature, obsolete, no longer my opinion, or simply flat-out wrong.

Appalling CDs

We've all done it. Mistakenly bought a CD in the belief it was something worth listening to. And then you get it home, and find out the horrible truth: there was a damn good reason why it's on sale at such a low price. This page exists because I wanted to post a warning online for others for the first disc listed, but it turns out Amazon claim the rights to all reviews posted. Fuck 'em; I like my copyright to stay assigned to me, thank you. Hence this page.

I find you very attractive - Touch 'N' Go

Yes, yes, yes, I should have seen the warning signs. They had a single hit several years ago, and the CD is titled with the most memorable vocal hook from that track. But everyone on Amazon said it was great, and I could listen to that hit single, so like a fool I coughed up 5 pounds and ordered it.

Alas, after the first 30 seconds of listening, reality sunk in: this album is complete dross. It's bland, samey crap. If you don't already hate synthetic pianos, guitars, drums, and horns, then you will after this. It tries to be edgy and sexy, with its psuedo-naughty lyrics, but fails with its complete lack of any interesting musical constructs and poor sound quality. If the tracks had any "bite" to them, with a well-rounded sound and prominent bassline, it might just be listenable. But no, they're dull, flat, and lifeless.

It really is a case of "Would you?" re-worked 12 times. Unless you're the Beta Band, there is no excuse for sampling your own tracks. Whoever decided that a samba remix of the aforementioned hit was a great idea, complete with MIDI samba whistles (you'll find them on channel 10, in the standard GM drumkit - come on, buy yourself a decent synth), should be committed. It would be easy:

"What grounds do you have for requesting this individual be placed in the care of the state, specifically a padded soundproof room and a straightjacket?"
"Your honour, I present as evidence the following remix."
The tape is played to a court, which sits in silence with looks of ever-growing horror and distaste on their faces.
"Take him away. And fetch me an ear-syringing kit and a bottle of scotch."

Trust me: Your ears do not deserve this. I think I'm going to give it away to someone I hate. Go and buy yourself some decent dance music, if that's what you're after, or if you're after the " contemporary, common jazz" that the Amazon reviewers seem to think it is get yourself a Lemon Jelly CD. It's far funkier, has a better beat, and won't make you wish you were born deaf.