I've lived in London for 6 years now, but tonight was the first time I was visited by trick-or-treaters. Every year prior I indulged the Guardianista fantasy of making friends with the local youth – and the Daily Mail fantasy that I must bribe my way to safety via sweeties – by buying a giant bag of fun-size chocolate bars. And every year prior nobody came. I was left with broken dreams and a lot of chocolate.

But tonight was different. I arrived home late, and had just collapsed on the sofa when there was a sudden knock on the door. Standing up, I gazed down the half-lit hallway to see the silhouette of a teenager in a bad costume. "I'll pretend I'm not in," I thought. Then a couple of braincells kicked in and I realised the lights were on. I had to answer it.

I rushed to the kitchen and looked in the cupboard. Nothing. No sweets, no pastries, no chocolate. But there was one thing. One vague possibility. I grabbed it and headed to the door.

When I opened it the two teens had cut their losses and were halfway across the road, but they turned around when they heard the door open. "Err, trick or treat?" one asked, hopefully, not moving closer. And that's when I found myself possessed by a spirit infinitely older than my own, speaking words I'd promised myself I would never utter.

"I'm really sorry, I've just got home from a long day at work and I haven't got any sweets in the house," I said. "But I can give you this pomegranate if you wanted."

At some point – some point in the past year – I have changed from the person who buys sweets for Halloween to the person who offers trick-or-treaters fruit. Children tell playground horror stories about people like me. I can make excuses and plead special circumstances, but let's face facts: they asked for sweets. They got fruit.

The ghouls shrugged non-committally and walked off, and I thank them for that. No egging of the house, no shouted abuse. Perhaps they understood that the crashing realisation of what I have become is the greatest trick of all. But they probably just thought they'd try next door.